What They Should Have Said | Sucked-Out-of-the-Plane Edition

Earlier this month, a flight on its way from Thessaloniki, Greece to Memmingen, Germany was interrupted when a window in the passenger section was blown out in an accident involving engine debris. The cabin decompressed while a 61-year-old Serbian tourist was sucked halfway out the window frame while other passengers, including the man’s wife, managed to hold on to his legs. Eventually, he was pulled back into the plane, which returned to Thessaloniki.

WHAT THEY SAID

In a crazy-pants press release featuring bland corporate-speak, Ryanair, a European budget-flight company and operator of the plane, tried to keep itself together and protect its financial future.

It said in its statement that the flight "returned to Thessaloniki shortly after takeoff when a passenger window detached during the flight. The aircraft landed normally and the passengers returned to the terminal."

WHAT THEY SHOULD HAVE SAID

But situations like this call for scrupulous honesty, even at the cost of passenger trust and return business. Tell us what actually happened and what you propose to do about it:

“Omigod. Aaaaaargh! Aaaaaargh! We can’t believe it either! We were just about to serve Diet Coke and those dry little cookies when there was a giant ka-boom, and Slobodan, this Serbian guy, was sucked into the window frame like dryer lint being vacuumed up in the laundry room. The only thing that saved him was his screaming wife, who held on to the straps of his Keen’s. How she did it is anybody’s guess, but she loves her man.”

“Please don’t think too much about this issue and remember that it doesn’t happen very often. Like five times, tops, in the whole history of our company. We just finished zipping the window back in place with first-quality packing tape, the kind you get at a U-Haul Rental Center and not the flimsy stuff at Home Depot.”

“If all of this is your worst nightmare, the same is true for us. Imagine snapping back and forth like one of those air-tube guys advertising a sale at a used car lot and scraping your belly on the side of the plane. Aaaaaargh! Aaaaaargh!”

“Discounted tickets to Memmingen will be available from anywhere on earth until the end of 2026. Happy holiday travels!”