Personal Irritations: Volume I

If I were in charge, this would be a better world. In the meantime, here are my Personal Irritations: Volume 1

THE NEW YORK TIMES

Why don’t they put a damn staple in the fold of the Book Review? All the pages end up on the bathroom floor. I’m sick of picking them up and putting the pages back in order.

CLAUSSEN’S PICKLES

They used to package small dill pickles, which were exactly the right size and had the right degree of crunch. Now they only distribute the big pickles, which are soft and watery.

FISHER INVESTMENTS

The lady who used to sit at the desk in their commercials was scary and robotic. She was drained of all color and emotion. I think that they have permanently replaced her.

BIKE LANES IN TULSA

I’m terrified every time I turn right that I am going to clip a rider coming up too fast to see in time. It’s a bad system.

GLP-1 MEDICATIONS

They make me nauseated all the time and I have to cough to distract myself from the injection. Also, they are the primo example of extortionate pricing.

KEY FOBS

I have to carry my fob to start the car, but it’s never where I can find it when I reach my destination. Usually, I’ve dropped it on the floor. If I forget it, anyone can drive my car away.

LIBERTY MUTUAL

I hate that guy, the toothpick in his mouth, his tinted glasses, and the weird relationship with the emu. In the recent commercials, he has a son who looks just like him. Ick.

MY SHOWER

It’s the same damn thing day after day in exactly the same order. If this isn’t a candidate for artificial intelligence, I don’t know what is.

MY PANTS

I’m 72 years old, I have never had a pair of pants that fit me. Never. You think you’ve got problems? Try size 34-28.