Person Irritations: Volume III
We’re in the middle of the High Holidays, so I should be thinking about important issues like atonement and world peace. Instead, I’m thinking about petty annoyances. I should never have been allowed to be a rabbi.
FUDGESICLES
A grandchild of mine recently offered me one of her fudgesicles. I thought it was a regular ice cream bar and I took it, only to find that it was an awful, melting slab of chocolate, an experience I have hated since childhood. These bars should be clearly distinguished in packaging and basic appearance so that this doesn’t happen again.
TRANSPORTATION
I-44 and SH-51 cross each other in Tulsa, forming a big X. It means that at the east end of both highways, where I always have to go, I-44 ends up north of SH-51. I do not like this at all. If something starts out south of something else, it should stay south.
HORTICULTURE
The labels on plants in local nurseries never tell you if they are poisonous. It took me a while to figure out that Oleander could kill our dog and datura could kill our grandchildren. Ricin comes from the seeds of a Castor plant, which I like very much (the plant, not the poison thing). I should not go blind just because I like Euphorbia. I had to go full hazmat when I pulled it out of the garden.
OUR TELEVISION
Our television set has two sets of controls. At one point, it had three. That’s when I decided that I would never use it, even if you held a gun to my head. Alice now turns it on and off and changes the channels, viewing platforms, and for-pay screenings. This is all way above my pay grade and the reason I have to die before Alice.
MATTRESSES
Since I get up after Alice, I make the bed each morning. This is OK for one of our beds, but the other is so deep that a fitted sheet becomes a shitted feat. You can’t get it on to save your life. Fortunately, we only use that bed when someone is sleeping over. I don’t really care, since I like sleeping on top of a thin quilt with a thin quilt on top of me, but Alice cares a lot.
FAMILY FINANCES
Enough said. Every time I sit down, I lose the thread and drift off to some more pleasurable task, like taking out the re-cycling or picking up dog crap in the back yard. Is it too much to ask that I have a resident dermatologist, a personal grocery store, and an accountant who sleeps in bed with us each night? That would help when I wake up sweating from anxiety at 3:00 a.m.